Teacher Tech: 5 Ways to Build a Relationship With A Disruptive Student

I’ll never forget Slade.  He walked into a room ready to fight and tried hard to figure out what the teacher wanted so he could do the opposite.  For years I would listen to his teachers tell stories about his behavior problems in class.  Then, in fifth grade, he appeared on my attendance sheet.

We got though the year with no suspensions from what he did in class.  He was suspended based on incidents in the cafeteria, on the bus and on the playground, but he and I made it through the year.

Part of the reason he was so successful in my class was a sense of trust we built up between us.  If you have a student who is difficult to manage, I suggest you will find it worthwhile to build a relationship with that student by using or adapting these five techniques.

1.            Notice something.  On the first day of class, Slade walked in with new shoes.  I asked him about them.  I wanted to know where he got them and joked that he might want to loan them to me some time.  It became a running joke that his obviously smaller shoes might fit on my big feet.  I shared this joke with no other students; it was just for Slade and me. 

Boys like to discuss objects, so with Slade, I picked shoes.  Girls like to discuss relationships, so if Slade were a girl, I’d discuss a pet, family member, former teacher or fictional character to talk about.  Look for opportunities to lightly chat about non-threatening issues with your Slade.

2.            Point out success.  This takes vigilance.   You need to watch your own Slade like a hawk to catch him being good.  When passing out papers, Slade would take first what he wanted then dump the rest on someone else’s desk.  Then one day I put a stack of papers on his desk, and he passed them out nicely.  I came up behind him and whispered to him that I noticed he was passing out papers nicely, and that I was proud of his growth.  Slade did not like public praise, so the whisper also let him know I didn’t want to embarrass him.  Also, he tended to repeat the good behaviors I pointed out.

3.            Do an interest inventory.  Early in the year, I had my students tell me what they liked, how they spent their time, and what their wishes were for fifth grade.  Ostensibly this was for a graphing unit, but I pulled Slade’s paper aside and photocopied it.  I could refer to one of his favorite shows, sports or songs when using an example for the class.  He, of course, was interested and tended to participate more in the discussions.  It gave me more chances to offer whispered praise and use him as an expert.

I found out Slade like cats, so I often drew a cat on his papers: no one else got a cat drawing.

4.            Be consistent.   The rule in music class was no pencil sharpening when the teacher was talking.  When sweet Emily left her seat to sharpen, the music teacher told her nicely to go back to her seat.  When Slade tried it, he got a detention.  This set Slade off in a tantrum about how the teacher liked Emily better.  If the teacher had said something like, “Emily, are you forgetting we can’t sharpen right now?  That’s strike one.”  Then when Slade tried it, “Slade, are you forgetting again you can’t sharpen right now.  That’s your third strike.”  Slade would better understand why he got a different consequence than Emily.

Consistency, even if it means consequences for Slade, gave him a sense of comfort.  He knew the rules and understood they will always be the same.  In Slade’s chaotic home life, he had very little stability, so he liked knowing where the boundaries were.  He still tested the limits whenever he felt insecure.

5.            Develop non-verbal signals.  I would tell Slade that if I showed him the bathroom pass, he was to take a cool-down walk to the bathroom and get a drink.  This signal was only for Slade and as far as I know, he told none of his buddies about it.  It gave everyone in the class a three-minute break from whatever Slade was doing.

Non-verbal signals did not count as a behavior correction in Slade’s mind, probably because he figured no one else in the class knew he was being corrected.

There are lots of ways to form a relationship with students, but the most fragile students need extra attention that causes minimal impact to the class.

Not long ago, I was working late in my classroom when Slade rode up on his bike and pounded on the window.  I opened it to see a teenaged-Slade smiling there.  “Yo, Mr. Hansen.  Still have Jolly Ranchers hidden in your desk?  It’s why I came here.”

I asked him if his favorite was still the purple color, and as he unwrapped the candy, he told me that I was the only teacher who never suspended him.